Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
