he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize