you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
