Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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