Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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