getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
