If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
