she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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