In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
sarcasm needs its own font
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
