Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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