I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
