You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
