Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
