Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
