I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
