I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
