I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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