i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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