Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
