no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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