My Higher Power is John Stamos
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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