You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
