I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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