i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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