remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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