Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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