Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
