If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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