By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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