am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
