life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
