I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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