Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
