Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
