So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
