doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
