Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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