Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
