I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
