I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize