why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
