but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
