Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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