oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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