Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
