I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
