Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Bring me that man meat
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
