Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
