someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
