and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
