theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
