I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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