it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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