I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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