is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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