It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
