Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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