I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
