I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
